Addicted to Chasing Unavailable Lovers: Outer Child is a Notorious Abandoholic

Outer Child is a Notorious Abandoholic. What is Abandoholism? Now here comes another, most insidious, addictive pattern — abando holism. Your Outer Child has taken hold and got you caught up in a pattern of pursuing unavailable partners. This abandonment compulsion is insidious. Insecurity becomes your favorite aphrodisiac. If your lover succumbs to your charms — heaven forbid — you suddenly feel too comfortable, too sure of him to stay interested. You interpret your turn-off as his not being right for you. Enrich your mind.

What is Engulfment? When Relationships Become Your Everything

By: ljmacphee. But when we are using the word in a psychological sense, what is engulfment? Engulfment can refer to a tendency to over-immerse yourself in relationships. You depend on the other to meet all your needs, even demanding that they do so. So, to reference the original definition, you are submerging yourself in relationships. And, without realising it, you might be swallowing up the lives of others, overwhelming them in the process or scaring them off completely.

Abandonment and engulfment are the two main factors that are likely to cause Aphenphosmphobia. The sufferer is likely to fear getting intimate with a partner.

Have you ever met someone and got along famously, only to have them back off suddenly? Perhaps you reacted by ignoring them when they finally tried to get in touch a few weeks later, and now, ages later, are still wondering what happened. There is a good chance that you simply became involved with a person who suffers from fear of intimacy. Seen as a social or anxiety disorder, fear of intimacy often results in a person blowing hot then cold, or doing the occasional disappearing act, which can be terribly frustrating for others.

All that an intimacy-phobic person requires is a bit of patience and understanding. Intimacy-phobics are prone to suddenly pulling back just at the point a person who is comfortable with intimacy leans in. Why not ask them if they are needing some time to themselves, and give them a chance to respond? Let them know that you are available when they are feeling more themselves and that next time it would be easier on you if they told you what they were doing.

Intimacy-phobics can be experts at asking just the right questions to keep you talking about yourself.

All posts tagged “fear of engulfment”

Such defensive patterns are what I call Distancing Strategies. But once hooked, and the relationship unfolds and progresses… the Love Avoidant flip-flops, seemingly changing into an entirely different person. There is a good reason why a Love Addict finds it is so difficult to intimately connect and feel close to their partner – Since, for a Love Avoidant, one of their chief objectives in romantic relationships is to evade intimacy – at all costs!

In a Love Avoidants mind, intimacy with another person is equivalent to being engulfed, suffocated, and controlled.

Most People Haven’t Heard Of The Fear Of Engulfment, But It’s FAR From Rare. Here’s How Loving Someone Who Is Afraid Of Engulfment.

Emotional intimacy is one of the most wonderful experiences we ever have. Nothing else really comes close to the experience of sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with another, of being deeply seen and known, of sharing love , passion, creativity, laughter and joy. Why, then, would someone be afraid of intimacy? It is not actually the intimacy itself that people fear. If people could be guaranteed that intimacy would continue to be a positive experience, they would have no fear of it.

What they fear is the possibility of getting hurt as a result of being intimate with another. The two fears underlying the fear of intimacy :. If one person gets angry, the other may feel rejected or controlled and get angry back, give themselves up, withdraw or resist. If one person shuts down, the other may feel rejected and become judgmental, which may trigger the other’s fears of engulfment, and so on. These protective circles exist in one form or another in most relationships.

When the fears of rejection and engulfment become too great, a person may decide that it is just too painful to be in a relationship and they avoid intimacy altogether. Yet avoiding relationships leads to loneliness and lack of emotional and spiritual growth.


Please subscribe to Coach Vaillant newsletter for new exclusive content. Codependency is different from fear of engulfment. Codependent people have no sense of self, and have an extreme focus on others as a result. They are needy, terrified of being alone, and cannot function on their own. They have no autonomy.

They want people in their lives not because they love them but because they cannot exist as an independent being.

Fear of being abandoned and being smothered show up in a lot of ways. Sometimes people are very picky about a mate, or they check out of the whole dating.

A fear of intimacy disrupts an important ability to forge close relationships and friendships with other people. Intimacy is the act of sharing vulnerability and close physical and emotional ties with another person. People who experience this fear often sabotage their own relationships or push people away before they can get too close. They long for intimacy, but they have a hard time attaining and maintaining it when that closeness starts touching on their anxieties.

Confronting and overcoming a fear of intimacy is a difficult, but attainable goal with focused self-improvement and likely some counseling. To better understand what a fear of intimacy looks like, you need to understand how complex intimacy can be. To truly share your rawest, purest ideas with another person requires bravery and a willingness to face judgment of your world view and beliefs.

Typically, that person is someone we are close to, want to be close to, or respect enough to have that discussion with. Emotional Emotional intimacy is what people tend to envision when they think of intimacy. It is having a close, emotional connection with another person where you allow yourself to be vulnerable to them.

Fear of engulfment in an intimate relationship

People often ask me how they can know whether or not someone they are dating is really an open and caring person. In your daily life, are you guided by fear or by love? What are the fears that block being loving to yourself and others? Is there something in the way of you asking this question? What is the fear that gets in the way of loving yourself?

Find out why the fear of abandonment drives this pattern, the effects and how you​. them to yo-yo back to a partner after their fears of engulfment have subsided. pick fights, cancel dates last minute or after they disappear with no contact for.

The insecurity and unknown burrows into your brain like a parasite, constantly clawing at you and never relenting. You hate the feelings of the unknown that cause the tightness in your chest, that choke your throat. You try to speak to them but it never comes out right, it never comes out as the way that you think it should sound. The emotions are coming up. Do they feel the same way? Do other people feel this? What if I get rejected?

What if they laugh at me? I just want them to like and appreciate me. Do you understand? Do you know what I feel?

Fear of Intimacy Phobia – Aphenphosmphobia

The fear of intimacy phobia is known by several other names such as Aphenphosmphobia which is the fear of being touched as well as Philophobia which is the fear of love. As the name indicates, the person suffering from the fear of intimacy phobia dreads intimacy shared between lovers or other close relationships with parents, siblings and friends. Since most close relationships are based on deep emotional bonds, the person suffering from this fear is unable to share a meaningful association with any person.

By Shonda Lackey, Ph.D. Does it seem like every time you start to get close to your partner, she or he finds a way to prevent you from.

Fear of abandonment, to its excess, could show up as a lingering feeling of insecurity, intrusive thoughts, emptiness, unstable sense of self, clinginess, neediness, extreme mood fluctuations and frequent relationship conflicts. On the flip side, we might cope by cutting off completely, and become emotionally numb. Anxiety is a normal part of being in an intimate relationship. It usually comes in two forms- the fear of abandonment, and the fear of engulfment.

If our previous experience in life or childhood was unstable or if we had unreliable caregivers, in relationships, we fear we will be abandoned. If our parents were controlling or we grew up in an enmeshed household environment, we will fear when people come too close we will be swamped, lose our sense of self or independence. People with anxious- preoccupied attachment tend to experience a lot of fears over abandonment and rejection.

While people with other attachment styles also have the same fears, people with this attachment pattern tends to feel them more consciously and have developed persistent emotional and behavioural patterns around these fears. In contrast to avoidant people who are excessively independent, anxiously-preoccupied people may seek constant assurance, approval from their partners, and become overly dependent.. You are hypervigilant and are always watching out for signs that your partner is losing interest in you.

You are suspicious when your partner is not around, responding to you or reply to your messages. You are suspicious and jealous of their contact with others.


Why would someone have a fear of intimacy, you ask? Intimacy is defined as a close familiarity or friendship, a private cozy atmosphere, and also a physical act. Intimacy, real emotional intimacy, means sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings, it means vulnerability, authenticity, being deeply known and seen, sharing our deepest love and our greatest hurt. It means loving and being loved in an open hearted unconditional way.

Fear of engulfment. Whether you are in a relationship or have just started dating again, the fear of losing oneself, while understandable, can be.

Jim was attending his first five-day Inner Bonding Intensive because he could not seem to commit to a relationship. He was lonely and wanted to be in a relationship , and he had no trouble meeting women he was attracted to, but as soon as he started to really like someone, he would find any number of reasons to back out. In his early 40’s, he was tired of this, but couldn’t seem to break out of the pattern. It soon became apparent that Jim was terrified of losing himself in a relationship.

He was a very kind-hearted man and enjoyed giving, but invariably he found himself giving too much – giving himself up. In time he would feel controlled, engulfed, smothered in the relationship. He would start to feel resentful about giving more than he was receiving and would end the relationship. This same pattern happened over and over. Jim was very aware of the fact that he kept giving himself up in relationships, but he believed it was because he was attracted to strong, controlling women.

He never found himself attracted to timid women who gave themselves up. So he felt stuck. He was stuck because he was operating out of a false belief that he was giving himself up because the woman was controlling. Jim gave himself up because underneath his fear of engulfment was a deeper fear – a fear of rejection.

The Avoider Mentality and the Fear of Intimacy

How to overcome fear of engulfment in relationships. October 02, Fear of engulfment is the fear of getting controlled by partner or losing yourself in the relationship.

Those who have a.

I hear it over and over: “Are there any available men? I find that I attract men who are unavailable. I meet nice men who are fun to be around, but when it comes to becoming serious they always say, “I’m not ready right now. Could you give me insight on what I need to do to attract a loving mate and not unavailable men? Since people attract each other at their common level of woundedness or their common level of health, an unavailable person’s fear of commitment likely mirrors your fear of commitment.

If you are a person who keeps meeting unavailable people, you might want to honestly look within to see if your fears of rejection or fears of engulfment losing the other or losing yourself may be causing you to be unavailable.

Fear Of Engulfment – That Crazy Missing Part

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